Bedside Manner

Next time you are hurt or affronted by someone else’s actions, imagine the person as a sleeping child and, a) smother the child in its sleep, b) wake the child up and ask them to go to another room, c) silently observe the rising and falling of the sleeping child’s chest d) recall the childhood bed you slept in, e) witness the person as old and dying, the ghosts of childhood haunting their deathbed

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City

Find the invisible city, the one beneath or behind the tactile city, the one for which maps do not exist. Once there, acquaint yourself intimately with its textures and tones, its psychic cradle. When time is up and you must return to the tactile city, notice that your hands are empty and that you surrendered your given name to the invisible city’s vastness of gloam.

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Stand-Up

Invite every dead person you know to a vacant nightclub where you plan to perform stand-up comedy. Bill the event as one night only. When no one shows, you a) perform the show anyway, or, b) extend the run of the show to see if audience numbers rise.

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Viewfinder

Go to hell. Stay there. Take sensual inventory of what there feels like. Go to hell. Don’t stay there. Imagine wind born of vacancy. Go nowhere fast. Call it hell. Go nowhere slow. Call it heaven. Mix heaven and hell and go through whatever the results are. Consider the tenuous alchemy of your present circumstances.

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Yoko Wuz Here

Pretend you are a woman named Yoko Ono. Pretend you are a man named Yoko Ono. A goldfish named Yoko Ono. A machine registered as Yoko Ono. A children’s book titled Yoko Ono and the Falling Upward Star (#3 in Asian Children’s Literature). Realize that you are a pair of scissors named Yoko Ono mating with a stone named Yoko Ono. Drop the Yoko and the Ono and assert new claims, each equally unfounded and permeable. Each a parable unto its own ghostlight.

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Curriculum Vitae

Born: Waiting (Still)

Dead: Today (Always)

At Present: Redeemable

Interpersonal Skills: Works in Progress

Education: Breathing

Objective: Not Applicable

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©

Copyright every thought you imagine you have. Attach yourself to it, to them. Construct an identity around these collected thoughts, and copyright the identity. If you find one of your thoughts being spoken or shared by someone else, inform the user that the thought they believe to be theirs, actually belongs to you, and you have the copyright to prove it. If you encounter someone in public who resembles you in a manner that qualifies as copyright infringement, remind the person that identity theft is a violation punishable by law. If you happen to be accused of copyright infringement, for living someone else’s life, speaking someone else’s words, or appropriating their persona, redraw the imaginary lines between you and the rest of the world.

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Cats

Spend New Year’s eve at home, alone, with a cat. At precisely midnight, ask the cat the meaning of life. Whatever the cat responds, mark it down in a notebook. The following New Year’s eve, repeat the procedure with a different cat. See if the answers match.

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Encore

Kill someone in your mind. Bring them back to life. Throw a party to celebrate their resurrection. Do the same thing again, replacing someone with you, and mind with dream.

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Eulogy

Drop dead several times each day and recite advance eulogies for the persons so explicitly shed. Allow grief to function not as barrier or backwater but rather a marker for diminishing returns.

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