Variations on a Theme

Memory as cosplay in a dark room.

Others cosplay with you, perpetuating a game and masquerade, rituals membered, by which we find ourselves assuming patterns and assimilating forms.

Alone, again alone, and at once alone, where others, and their penchant for masquerade, their desire for escape, keeps you favored company. Immaterial though they may be, they are vivid, glaring in their absence, chock full of resonance, and registering a quality which can be coined pleasingly poetic.

They laugh soundlessly, a nod to silent film, their mouths convey whorish monsters, eyes hotly baked with desire—it is that unspeakable passion coupled with hungry ghost that keeps you returning to the dark room. The dark room is a disaster with grace in tow. Or grace with disaster lingering ominously. The dark room is a best seller that no one reads. The dark room is grief and grief’s theriomorph. The dark room is interstellar. The dark room is somebody’s romantic notion of a grail. The dark room is an open wound through which many seasons can pass. The dark room is cherry cough syrup and TV when you are a sick and needy child. The dark room is a church of no origins, no religious affiliations, a womb-like hovel and shrine. The dark room is the honeymoon suite where one and one, new and new, tangle in nuptial fever and conjugate full-body music. In other words, or in these words masquerading as others: Memory is cosplay with limitless variations.

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Last Picture Show

Does time-resin sting our eyes? Does desolation call forth our most solitary angels? Our loneliest most homesick angels? Desolation allows one to become a vagrant, rooted in blessed nobody, divergently attuned to an original script. The wind writes in the air all the time, but no one deciphers the handwriting.

Nostalgia is a death-trap, eating its own tail and leading nowhere. Now and again and again now never is nostalgia’s recipe and calling card. Nostalgia is the last picture show revived endlessly, a cinematic séance in rose-light and sepia. You whisper to nostalgia as you would a shy and tender lover concealed in a shadowy niche.

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Vampires

I walked to the train station at night. I was going to drive. It was a hot day. I had already been walking out in the sun, and I thought—just drive to the train station. But when it was time to go I decided to hoof it. I knew that I would regret driving there, and not feeling my feet on the earth, not being connected to the streets, not absorbing at a pedestrian’s pace. The pedestrian’s’ pace was equivalent to writing longhand. Walking was the longhand of transportation.

It took me about a half hour to get there. At the station, only a gray-haired man with a guitar, sitting on a bench outside the visitor’s center. The man was softly strumming his guitar, gently plucking bluesy notes, almost as if he were shyly practicing his playing where there was no intended audience. Either that, or he had a lover’s fingers, making sure his touches registered subtly and tenderly, delicate hints preferred to bold statements. The man left after about fifteen minutes.

Now the station was empty. Just me and the legacy of the tracks. Railroad America, and its industrial modeling of eternity, its abbreviated span of endlessness. I called to mind my friend Bear, a road dog through and through—weary, hopeful, forlorn, incorrigibly romantic. Bear was now settled in Memphis, tending to his garden and watching his grandchildren grow up.

I found an iron stake. I put it into my backpack. It seemed like the perfect thing to drive through a vampire’s heart. I hadn’t come across any vampires yet, but still … you’ve got to trust in the things you find along the way.

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Travel Notes

It was a town caught in the pinwheeling stasis between living and dying, between chrysalis and mortuary. I want to examine why it is I am drawn to places like this, why I always return to this specific feeling of haunt and dislocation, this purveyance of fugue.

I start by asking: do these places visually and externally correspond to a world within, to zones and aspects of my interior? If extrapolated and perceivable as place, as geography, as topography, would it match the desolate, degenerate, eroded, and scarred? Do these places call to mind or call into being a deep loneliness, a call to lonely places—am I finding my ghosts in the world without?

I believe there are cities, towns, neighborhoods, locations that are our geographical alter-egos, or replicas of our inner world, of our emotional tonescape. There’s something about, a) Time as a silent assassin with its efficient scalpel, b) Time as a hooded ninja that no one ever sees, c) the call to lonely places, d) we are ghosts in our own lives, e) what fades remains, f) the allure of lore, g) there is crackly resin in the air that gives ephemera its due and scroll, h) nostalgia is a death trap, i) empty motel swimming pools harbor secrets, j) you think you are arriving in a certain town and quickly realize the town doesn’t exist, because, k) you have effaced that town with a town of your own narrative and imagining, you have prematurely buried one town and in its place superimposed another town over its bones, which leads to, l) becoming a witness to a geography that is both mimic and delegate to one’s mapped fractures.

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Flint

And death shall have no dominion.

How could it? It’s only a match with an overblown reputation.

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Outerwear

The dark is the clothing in which our ghosts animate themselves.

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Paper Cuts

 In the preferred company of words, a slow monarchy and infirmary is formed.

Words paper over silence and wounds. Something about the dark blesses us.

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Neurodivergent Rabbits

There’s no one left to finger, no one left to blame.

Someone sang that. I wish I had sung that. I didn’t. I echo. I am echoes proliferating like genetically disturbed rabbits. Maybe neurodivergent rabbits copulating is a better term, I don’t know. 

I am made of echoes and uncomfortable silences. Uncomfortable because they demand to he heard, demand to be outed. Echoes can be really mean uncles. Or dictators with steel prods.

The words are a placeholder for being here, for staying here. They go where I can’t. Where I won’t.

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Sound of Silence

In Federico Fellini’s film, 8 ½, the protagonist, Guido Anselmo, the cinematic avatar of Fellini, says—I have nothing to say, yet I am determined to say it.

We mime silence by kissing words on the mouth.

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Whistle Stop

It is a lonely road. The road made of words. The word stay put. The feelings don’t. The words crystallize, become the flambeed edges of something soft in the center. It is a struggle within, and a turn-on, mud-wrestling false angels under hot lamps.

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