There is a slow lasting burn
on the road to heaven
which admits meekness
as a course of rightful inheritance,
as a ringed torch song for reentry
into the self dispossessed.
There is a slow lasting burn
on the road to heaven
which admits meekness
as a course of rightful inheritance,
as a ringed torch song for reentry
into the self dispossessed.
The word is my fourth dimension
–Clarice Lispector
And on the eighth and endless day, where the bottomless hallelujah meets Ouroboros, God created Clarice Lispector. Maybe. Maybe the music of that name was more pure music and vivid living syntax, and less history and persona. Or maybe Clarice Lispector’s innate capacity to shape-shift, from lantern-eyed panther to clucking hen to hothouse orchid, demands to be perceived as multiform epiphanies in an infinity of mirrors. Possibly, maybe resides at the Bjorkian core of Clarice Lispector’s output and purview. As an existential Lou Costello, she questioned with rabid circuitous intensity, again and again: Who’s on first? Who, exactly? And as a literary high priestess with a lifelong crush on void, she understood clearly that everything knows everything … we are a species of kissing cousins in a grammarless whirlpool. From mortar to manna, Lispector’s legacy in prose is one of paradoxes and trap-doors, rococo balconies kissing sea air, perfumed arias and empty cola bottles, gutted mermaids on dusty streets bleeding out brackish emeralds. In her world, silence favors its motives and heaven commits the meek to memory.
Confession: I have spent the entire summer reading nothing but Clarice Lispector, completely surrendering to her spellcasting and bewitchment. Ukrainian-born and Brazilian-raised, the iconoclastic Lispector reminds one of the elasticity of perception, how “nowhere” in a slanted mirror reforms to “now here,” with Lispector’s alter-egoism vacillating ungraspably between nowhere and now here.
There are writers you encounter, those infused with the holy seethe, whose quest is blatantly mystical as they search for what Lispector called “the word that has its own light.” This is writing as the cruciform of alchemy, as ritual means to transfiguration. Not writing that is about something — predicated on recalling and recounting — but writing that is the mysterious and ineffable something itself … language as point of origin and departure.
Which brings me to Lispector’s Água Viva. Originally published in 1973, the new edition of this avant-garde gem was released in 2012 by New Directions, the pioneering publisher which has dedicated itself to resurrecting Lispector’s canon. Água Viva is many things, though straight novel not being one of them. It is a happy birthday dirge and confessional, a sustained incantation punctuated by necessary silences, a chamber music concert performed in the bluest hours by a splintered soloist. Or, in the words of Lispector herself, “This isn’t a book because this isn’t how anyone writes. Is what I write a single climax? My days are a single climax: I live on the edge.” It is from this edge which the reader plays captive witness to a birthing process … a being’s birth prior to he/she/they/etc., the thingness of being, the it-ness of being, a being flailing at the light and at its own beingness. Here, in an airless manger, the crescendo of a tempest is played out with freeze-frame exactitude, contained in synoptical passages and refrains, in bursts and abbreviations, what you might call lyrical shorthand for a mute soul wandering moonstruck and wordless … and yet words … words upon words like a swan-fest of hands attending to an emergency.
Lispector — whose words are the fevered playthings of duende and saudade, a goblin-eyed melancholy that dances between never and forever — is spiritual kin to the exquisite agony of Saint Teresa, to the riotous firewalking of Arthur Rimbaud, to the solipsistic autopsies of Samuel Beckett. Yet no matter what is being conjured, or negated, innocence is insisted upon — “I want to write to you like someone learning” — and it this lucid naivete, this vividness of instants strung together to form textural composites, which gives Água Viva its stunning capacity to live outside of time, at the crossroads where dream and reality intersect. Its achievement lies in the fact that it is a book that could have been written tomorrow, many yesterdays ago, or is being conceived in the very moments in which you are reading it. It is a voice, moving syntactically in time to breath, that has made of its ghost something immortal and beyond claim, and yet brokenly human: “The sacred monster has died: in her place was born a little girl who lost her mother.”
Much here is caked in dust. Dust-skinned dogs and dust-skinned horses. Dust-coated houses in ruin, the staccato of ruins, the oldlife song of decay, dreams move sluggishly here at the pace of dust, the swirling eddies of dust, dust in the eyes and ears and nostrils, sunbaked granules of dust, fine stinging granules of dust, the cracking reign of dust popping and sputtering, the dust on the boots of the soldiers passing by in jeeps, the dust on the sandals of the saints walking the streeta unseen, part of an invisible parade, a fiesta not meant for human eyes (but oftentimes felt by human hearts and human spirits), sad dust days and salad days of dust (the lettuce parched and coated in granules, crunch crunch)….
It is hard to walk on different timelines all at once, it takes a lot of balancing… I am here, I am yesterday, I am tomorrow….
Sea, I never want to marry you. I want us to have a never-ending fling, a love affair flooded with longing and desire … I want to miss you … want to remain missably yours … want to miss you when you are not there and in that absence is when I can feel you the most, when you feel nearest to me, within me, absence translating to a deeper intimacy.
I, a lone comma
pulsing within the voluptuous grammar of the ocean.
You’ve got to make up your mind, he said. Do you want to fuck Judy Garland or be Judy Garland?
It seemed my entire life would be determined by how I responded. I could tell, by the gravelly graveness in his voice, the snip and barely suppressed roar, that he wanted me to respond, and with snapquickness—I want to fuck Judy Garland.
I was eight at the time. Or nine. I had seen the Wizard of Oz about a dozen times. I loved the transition from black and white to color. It seemed like a color that appeared nowhere else, and could never be replicated. It was its own unique, one of a kind color, a saturated rendition of a special heaven reserved for only the truest believers. Beyond religion. Beyond sects and codes and creeds and fire alarms. Beyond all of that, lay this jazzy heaven of Oz, a color that asked you to become one with the one with the inner workings of the world’s best kaleidoscope.
Back then, I didn’t have the words to define those feelings. I couldn’t extrapolate my inner. But that changed after years of throwing words at walls and seeing what stuck and what patterns and formations were created by these wall-meshed words.
But, yea, Oz itself was my passport to a longed for elsewhere, and now my father, a brute on the shores of his own Normandy, was trampling that which was sacred with his vulgar and unexpected ultimatum: You’ve got to decide…do you want to fuck Judy Garland or become her? Perhaps my father had noticed things about me, things he found concerning. I was too effeminate. Too otherworldly in my pursuits. Too much this, and not enough that. It, or I, was a math problem he couldn’t quite figure out. And so, he decided to pimp out Judy Garland, dangle her like salacious bait. Who, at the time, in the role of Dorothy, was my senior by about six or seven years. Did I want to fuck her? I had no idea. I loved Dorothy because her voice carried within it the soft and fragile remnants of broken soul and that did something to me. In my heart. In my human. Did I want to be Judy Garland? No. I liked watching her, gallivant around Oz, wander through a dreamscape with richness of vision, a talent for friendship, and sentimental bravery. I appreciated her, that is to say Dorothy, as a voyager. But the idea of me dressing up in a blue dress and wearing my hair in pigtails and playing ward to a noisy little dog named Toto, no thank you, none of that for me.
Heaven
commits the meek to memory.
Amnesia forgets itself
to leaven the uninhibited rise
of days lusting after dreams
this side up.
There is the glass ashtray. The mangled cigarettes. The hotel room. The window open with the breeze coming in, ruffling the curtains. The breeze is lace fingers. Tiny fingers. There is the unevenly applied lipstick. The besieged housemaid. There is love. Always, there must be love. There are meshes of twilight. Wrinkle-vined hands. A wrinkled-mapped face. A geography of both Borneo and Mars. She believed in nowhere. She believed in Mars. She believed in Borneo in the daytime. She didn’t believe in Borneo at night. Night and day divided her beliefs and perceptions. She believed in angels. In love. There are empty Coca Cola bottles stacked on crates and you are surprised that she recycles. There are the paintings. All the paintings she made. Then she stopped painting. Then she started banging out stories on her portable Remington, which had been her father’s, who had been a minor journalist. The Remington is from 1932. She doesn’t like to speak years aloud, she tries to keep them covered, like blankets over mirrors. But, in this case: 1932. What are some things that happened in the year 1932? List them. 1932. Spoken aloud with bittersweet relish. She says she bangs out stories on the typewriter and never revises them. Whatever comes out, comes out. Whatever they are, they are. They are not for anyone. They are for her.
Every story has it day. This is written on a wall somewhere.
She asked me to touch her. Down there. It’s been so long, she said. I feel like a coffin. Just use your fingers. I was reluctant. When she said—It’s just your hand, it’s not you—I thought—It’s just my hand, not me—and so I did it. I slipped my hand under her muslin skirt, between her legs. I had barely grazed her and she sucked hard on the air, as if shocked. She shook. She groaned. It was like a coffin sliding on hot glass. A coffin that was about to fall off the earth’s edges. I had no compass. She was old. Not that old. She was almost seventy. But she is also different ages. And dead. Cherry spoke to me in a clenched whisper—Please, please put it in all the way. I want them all the way inside. Because it was Cherry asking me, I saw Cherry. Her hair was red. Her eyes were green. The green of the sea. An early sea, before human influence. I pushed my fingers in all the way. Sudden moisture, like tree sap, pooled around my knuckles. I was scared to know what it smelled like. And intrigued. Claudia groaned telepathically. Cherry groaned audibly. These two women were going to be the death of me.