She told me I was crazy. It would be like taking out a restraining order against your shadow to stop it from following you. Then, Edie deepened her voice with judicial authority, and decreed: Shadow, you have been court-ordered to not come within fifty feet of this man. Is that clear?

Edie laughed. I loved when Edie made fun of me. It made me feel closer to her, and less alone.

Well, what can I do, I asked her.

Edie’s eyes ballooned with disbelief. Are you serious? There’s nothing that can be done. You know that. Need I remind you that you’re the one who engaged him in the first place.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. No, not a good idea …  a necessary one.

Well, now you’re stuck with him. You said the assignment was a lifetime commitment, right?

Do you remember everything I tell you?

I listen.

In a world of me-me gabbers, a most excellent quality to possess.

Thank you. And … your repeat yourself often enough. Especially when it comes to him.

If you had someone following you around 24-7, marking down every move you make, recording every gesture in a notebook, watching you, watching you with those eyes—

That dark penetrating gaze of his—

What, you in love with him?

In love? I’ve never even met him. You’re the one that goes on and on about his dark penetrating gaze.

I looked inside myself, and sensed that he was watching me and Edie, listening to our conversation and cataloguing it for future reference.

It’s weird, I said. I feel so small and insignificant in comparison to him, yet his entire existence hinges upon me. Without me, there is no him.

That seems to be the design.

What do you mean … seems to be?

I don’t know. Do you ever consider that it works both ways? That without him, there’d be no you.

That’s not possible, is it? I mean he exists as a … what would you call him … a stalker, a witness … a recording device. That’s all he is. All he does. He has no other interests, serves no other purpose.

And you? What purpose are you serving?

I don’t know. Come on, Edie, you’re getting all back-alley existential on me.

Oooooh, back-alley existential. I like that. Well said. But you’ve got to admit, Alex, this foray into back-alley existentialism began with you complaining about being tracked, harassed and followed by … who, exactly?

Yes. Who.

Is on first?

Yes.

Who is on first?

Yes. Who.

Is on first?

Yes.

Who?

Edie pretended to strangle me and started to laugh.

It seems, Alex, you’ve got two options. A. You learn how to laugh your ass off about the whole thing, or, B. Drive yourself completely and irredeemably mad.

Why can’t it be both?

Nobody said it can’t be both.

And is Nobody the one who’s on second?