Feelism

Feelism: emotional subjectivity filtered through the prism of Memory; story-seeds rooted in sensual Nostalgia.
In my book, this is what happened has always taken a backseat to this is how it felt.
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Slant

Emily Dickinson advised that we “tell it slant.” This makes sense. Telling it slant is a natural outgrowth of living it slant. Oblique paths and slanted paths dominate my sense of inner geography. Dylan Thomas wrote: “The memories of childhood have no order, and no end.” How true! Memories come to us as the sharpened jigsaw pieces of an amorphous puzzle. How we piece it together, why we piece it together, who we are when piecing it together, what we choose to place where, and when—the puzzle is a prism, a panoply of Rorschach symbols, an enigma with endless variations and configurations.
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Silent Night

The ongoing
rabble and cinematic
narrative in my mind
is finding
how nourishing
and full
and tender
the heart can grow
steeped in
silence
alone.

 

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Wellspring

Through the grace of repetition,
the writing life grounded
in the slow, wistful measures
of wellspring’s fortune.
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Peerless

Fasting on remedial prayers,
hunger flinting
the strike of peerless light
at tunnel’s end.
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Burn

Slow burn of words on a page,
how to listen raptly
between intervals of felt silence
and tapped nerves.
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Backroads

Traveling mapless backroads,
I found heaven
looking for me.
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Flea Bitten

Greyhound:
  1. A sleek, streamlined, swift-as-the-wind breed of dog.
  2. A coughing, sputtering, wheezing, smoke-blowing mutt, prone to flea infestation.
   I spent a great deal of my twenties canned inside the dank sweaty armpit of travel Americana: Greyhound.  It was an essential part of my informal education.  Whether due to economics, compromised self-esteem, brain damage (my mother, when pregnant with me, fell off a horse AND got into a car accident, though not on the same day) or ingrown romanticism: I wanted to be a flea, wanted to be among the fleas.  I thought a flea-sized perspective was an important one to have, a great way of seeing and experiencing America.  And I had always felt more innately flea than butterfly or wasp or scarab beetle.  Sometimes I dreamed of becoming a firefly, lantern-lighting my way through all the gardens in Brooklyn at night, but that was just a dream.  No, the life of a flea was the life for me.  When I became a regular on Greyhound, I started thinking of us—me and the other regulars—as a migrant flea circus or traveling harem of parasites.  You could scratch and scratch with long daggered nails, scratch until your skin was bloody and raw, and we might crumble and fall like fetal bits of mucus, but we’d be back.  We were fleas in league with our durable distant cousins, the cockroaches.  Cans of Raid and a Bic lighter, roach motels, kamikaze housewife slippers, toxic pellets—we would take it all in and keep ticking.  We were, as my Depression-era grandmother used to say: immune to extinction.
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Fullness

When the clean quiet fullness
of your heart rises
and begins to drown
the rabble in your head
in white light,
within
and without
become clear matching mirrors.

 

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Saturday Night Russian

   It was Jake who first called Anya the Saturday Night Russian. It started when Anya was twelve. Up until that point her wardrobe had been pretty subdued, pretty ordinary. Jeans or capris, T-shirts, sandals or sneakers. Then, seemingly overnight, a seismic fashion shift. It was like when Sandy, in Grease, went from sweatered primrose to leather-clad badass.
   What was the uniform of a Saturday Night Russian? Teased-up hair, large hoop earrings, lots of make-up, a sequined halter-top, tight mini-skirt, open-toed platforms, and glitter-painted fingernails and toenails. Anya went from eleven to eighteen in a blink.
   The Saturday Night Russian scared me because she looked and acted different from the Anya I knew, the Anya with whom I had played G.I. Joes and hide and seek and Monopoly and marbles and skelzy. I was also scared because she now drew a different level of attention from the boys and the girls, but especially from the boys. I became aware that the Saturday Night Russian existed as an object of sexual desire. The girls thought she was a pop star. The boys wanted to fuck her in the worst way. Anya must have known that she, as the Saturday Night Russian, held this power and influence. But she never said anything to me about it, nor did she ever show any interest in any of the boys we hung around with. She seemed indifferent, somehow above them. I felt different, or special in that Anya and I had been close since were little kids, but I had no idea if that closeness belonged strictly to who we were, and wouldn’t carry over into or what we were becoming.
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